Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Entering Autumn with Khaki | Madiha Karim

Hey dollsies! 

Autumn has always been my fave season as much as i love the christmasy vibe. 

I love the season of fall as it's full of my fave colours such as khaki, aubergine, burgunday, purples and all kinds of maroons. 

Side note - expect a whole load of these colours from me in these months

I was heading out to lunch with my sister and I had work after so i decided to keep it formal but add that casual brunchin' effect with my khaki coat, croc-leather bag and the neck scarf. 

Top - (similar here)

Neck Scarf - (similar)

Boots - (similar here)

Bag - Stolen from the sister but ey similar here -

Thankyou so much for reading

I love you all lots and lots like jelly tots



Monday, 22 August 2016

4:47am thoughts worded by yours truly.

The battle between your mind and heart is unsettling. Some days, your mind can take power over your heart and you can take a hundred steps towards your goals but other days, your heart dwells over every single vein in your body that rushes blood and you're in the dark for hours like the world has stopped. Every day is a new beginning and an end to a dark night. 


Saturday, 4 June 2016

Letting go of my brother and my sister together.

Hello everyone. Hope you’re all well and smiling. As many of you reading this would have been directed from my Instagram or Snapchat, today I am about to talk about a recent event in my life that everyone is well aware of. For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s about my older brother who passed away on the 28th of April 2016 at 1.13pm. This is going to be a very long post so do get your cup of coffee or tea or anything you want to snack on.

My name is Madiha Karim and I live in Cheadle which is located at the outskirts of Manchester. I am currently studying law at a law school and I have only been able to finish the first semester due to current events. I have turned 21 a few weeks ago and I am the youngest sister of one older sister aged 23 and one older brother aged 21. My sister is the oldest followed by my older brother who was the middle one leaving me as the baby of the family who isn’t the baby anymore.

My sister had her official Nikah which is an Islamic marriage on the 30th July ’15 in Canada as the grooms side is from Canada. We all flew to Canada for her Nikah which I vlogged and is on my Youtube channel. Alhumdulillah, a very blessed marriage.

This is the speech my darling brother, did for my beautiful sister on her nikah day in Canada. Followed by the dance he did with the groom. 

On the 26th of April ’16, it was the last event of her wedding. As being Asians, we don’t have one small event for wedding, we have many of them. This was her rukhsati which is known as a farewell bid.

In my course of law, I have two semesters which include the first semester ending in January with assignments and the second semester ending in May with exams. Due to personal reasons, I wasn’t able to hand in my assignments in January ’16, so my law school gave me an extended deadline to be able to hand them in on the 26th April ’16 which was coincidently the same date of my sisters wedding. Being the only sister, I was spending weeks upto the final wedding day of spending the days with wedding and dance preparations and the nights by typing my assignments up living off caffeine to ensure I get everything done. Moreover, I also had all my exams the following week of the wedding so it was a bit of a ‘no relax and total nerd time’ for me.

Every day consisted of endless dhol playing, dances and dinners for my sister and brother-in-law and I had tears almost every night knowing that this is the final event of her wedding and she’ll be moving to Canada. Me and my siblings are very very close, so close to the fact that people used to assume we’re a group of friends when we went out together. So it was very heartbreaking to see my sister who I had spent my entire life with, go miles away to start a whole new chapter in her life. I know it’s easy to say that ‘oh every girl goes through it, no big deal’ You’re right. But, not every girl probably treats her siblings like their babies how my sister has or she doesn’t move countries away. It’s normally just a few miles away.

Finally, 26th of April ’16. The big day. I submitted all my assignments and I said to myself ‘Enjoy the night now and you can sleep peacefully tonight, then back to all the cray revision sessions tomorrow’ My sister and her husband, both left to the Hilton hotel, where they were going to stay for the few days after the wedding before they leave to Santorini for their honeymoon. All the men of the house, left to scrub up and my darling brother, went to make sure all the cars he had gotten ready for the wedding were nicely washed and ribbon’ed. He wanted a white convoy and wanted it all to be perfect. Silly boy, was so stubborn. If He wanted something, he would get it. It was raining, everyone running late and he wanted to get the cars washed and did I say it was raining too? He had a heart of gold but very stubborn in what he wanted or how he wanted things to be.

I wore a saree for the first time in my life, because I wanted it to be special and I never wore one before so it would be different. My Muibu (Munib) wore a grey checkered suit, with a matching tie and handkerchief to my saree. When he bought his handkerchief and tie, I didn’t like it and he was trying his best to convince me that it would look nice or else he would go and buy a different one for me that I liked. He convinced me in the end to the one he bought.

All of us got in the set cars he got for us all, me and him at the front with him playing my favourite song.

We got to the venue, the whole wedding went beautifully starting with the entrances where I entered with my brother Munib and my cousin who is a second brother to me called Babar. First, the dinner took place, following with everyone taking pictures with the couple or with other members of the family.

I, then did my speech for my sister which made almost everyone cry.

After the speech, we did the ritual where the brides sister, gives the groom milk and after he drinks it. He gives her money as a gift in return. I and the grooms sister, then brought the watch we gave my brother-in-law as a present and the wedding band for my sister.

Following the rituals, it was time to say goodbye where the newly wedded couple were going to The Hilton for the rest of the days. I cried a lot, because my one and only sister was leaving me. I was hugging my sister and crying, when my brother came and hugged me from the back telling me to stop crying because he is still here with me. 

Me, my brother and a few friends got into the car with my brother heading home. I was so tired from my heels and emotions with no sleep that I closed my eyes half way down the trip home. During the drive home, my brother was revving the engine in the car which the girls wanted to get into their snapchat story. We were on the Kingsway road, where I closed my eyes and envisioned a car flipping over in an accident and how there are always stories being told that “the family were returning from the wedding and had an accident” but I took it as me just being tired with no sleep and the rememberance of an accident that happened in the exact spot a few months ago of a friend with their familys car being like that. I told Munib “Go slow here, remember that accident that happened?” and he replied, “Yeah I know don’t worry”. We got home safe and sound.

All my brothers close friends and all our close family got together at my house after the wedding chit chatting and what not. Around 2pm, my brother and his friends were going out. I went into my room after saying goodnight to all the family that was over and I saw that someone took my chargers wire and I assumed it’s Munib, so I called him.

Madiha – “Have you taken my wire?”
Munib – “Yeah yeah, I’ll just post it through the door now”
Madiha – “No, I’m coming downstairs I’ll take it from you”

I came downstairs and he was in the middle of posting it through the letterbox and he waved at me saying goodbye.

Around six thirty am, my cousin threw a pebble at my window and I woke up with anxiety thinking Munibs come home and he’s waking me up to open the door for him as he doesn’t want to wake the parents up. What he did almost every night. I looked outside and it was my cousin. I assumed, due to no sleep I have overslept and everyones over to head out to the family dinner we were all supposed to go to in the evening of the next wedding day. I went downstairs, half asleep and opened the door and was making my way back upstairs to bed when my cousin said to me in tears “Madiha Munib has had an accident” I’m always the strong one in the family. Instead of crying over a situation, I start thinking about what to do. The first thing I said was “Okay we need to wake mum and dad up” He told me how they were already there and he’s here to take me to the hospital.

Anxiously, I picked my blanket scarf, wrapped it around me and ran into his car. Looked at my phone, to millions of calls and messages from everyone in the family. During the drive to the hospital, I called all the family asking what he was like and all they were saying is “Doctors are saying they can’t say anything”

When I got to the hospital, I saw my sister crying. I asked her where he was and she said they’re saying his face is not recognisable and I rushed into the room he was. I had only heard metaphors till date such as “It felt like someone swept the rug out beneath my feet and I fell right to the ground” I experienced it the moment I walked in the room. I felt as someone literally broke my legs and I couldn’t stand up because I couldn’t bear the sight of how he was.

I grabbed his hand and at that time, I felt that he’s going to be okay because he always finds a way out of things. This may just be a lesson for him to not mess about or to drive more carefully. When I was holding his hand, his hand started bleeding onto mine. I couldn’t let go of his hand because I didn’t know how much time I had with him physically. I didn’t let go of his hand.

After I got my strength back on, I realised that the best thing to do for him is get as many prayers as possible so I put it all over my social media. Alhumdulillah, thousands of people prayed for him from various places of the world. Thankyou to each and every one of you. After a few hours went by, the doctors told us that his brain damage is not curable and only a miracle can save him.

All I kept saying to him was “I don’t want to touch you because I don’t know if its hurting you but I don’t want to stop because I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to again” I haven’t ever begged anyone for anything in my life. Everytime, I have prayed to Allah for something. He has always given it to me in some form so I knew He wouldn’t let me down. I begged Munib to make it for me, to find a way out this time to come back to my life. My mum told me to pray to Allah for him, because she knows that Allah never lets me down. Ever. I prayed to Allah all night. Constantly kept reciting anything my mum ever taught me to have Allah, leave him with me.

The doctors came to us around the night time, told us that they’ll do a final test on him in the morning and if there is no sign of his brain reacting then they would need to turn the machines off as legally his brain would be dead and so would the human body. Many people came to the hospital to see him. I asked everyone to give me a few moments alone with him. In this time alone, I spoke to him about a lot of things, thanked him for a lot of things he has done for me and begged him again, to just stay. I told him that if he doesn’t make it, I won’t cry for him because it’s his soul I love, not his body so I don’t want to be crying over his body when his soul is no longer in it. When I spoke to him, he had constant tears rolling down his eyes and I knew that deep down, he wasn’t going to make it. But, I kept my faith strong knowing that Allah knows the best.

I counted every second of the night by his side, holding his hand. Doing all I potentially could in my mental and physical strength to somehow keep him.

In the morning, I requested the doctors if I could be there when they undertake the test so I can be there for him and for my personal satisfaction that everything is processing correctly. They say that Allah swt gives you the strength to deal with what he puts you through and I probably haven’t ever been as strong as I was in my life like I was in that room with him. They started the test where they performed certain things on him to find some form of reaction of his nerves to keep him alive. There was no reaction. I saw them pour ice cold water down his ears, take some form of plastic tube down his throat, poke his eyes to a strength where on a normal basis, a human would not be able to stay calm or quiet throughout it. They performed the test twice and in the result, told me there was no activity in his brain which meant his brain was dead.

I, walked out of the room, brought my family in to spend the last heartbeats with him after the machine had been turned off. I lay by his side, holding his hand resting my head on his heart so I could hear his heartbeat till it stopped. The beat slowly went quieter and quieter. Then it stopped and he left me.

At that moment, I was completely numb with no tears in my eyes and I couldn’t cry any longer because it felt as all my emotions and heart died.

Later on, I went home. Wore his clothes and tried to find some form of peace within myself. I forced my friend to take me to the site where he spent his last breaths before it all happened and a guy came walking upto me.

I was lighting candles for my brother when this person came towards me. At first, I thought it was just some guy coming to pay his condolences but it was actually the guy who was in the crash with my brother who was driving. He asked me if I knew Munib and I told him he was my only brother. He told me he was in the crash with them. At first, all I did was look at him and wondered how a person who was in the same accident that took three lives, have no scratch or any injury to himself. I asked him if he could tell me what happened in the accident, so I could picture it in my mind. I thought, if I could picture it, maybe I could find some peace within myself. He looked me in my eyes and lied to me telling me he doesn’t remember anything and he’s sorry for what happened.

He later confessed to someone, that he felt guilty lying to me and he wanted to come clean about everything. I met him and he told me everything. He told me how he is a 17-year-old guy who stays at home and he doesn’t do anything in his life apart from chilling with his friends. The boys went to see him after the wedding and they let him drive the car. Ten minutes before the accident, Munib swapped places with the other passenger of the incident who has survived and sat in the front with the 17-year-old. The 17-year-old was speeding and they were close to the bump on Wilbraham road where the police was behind them. He told me how my brother looked back at the other boys and said to them “Bro give us some suggestions” He told me how Munib told him to slow down before the bump because the bump was too high. Maybe, the 17-year-old was worried or anxious but due to the speed they were travelling. He couldn’t slow down. They hit the bump and the car went up in the sky falling back into a lamppost and in the bricked driveway of somebodys house.

He told me how he got out of the car when they crashed and looked to the side resting his body on the wall, he saw Munib screaming and they were both making eye contact, but he had no words to say to Munib.

A lot of people make assumptions regarding their accident and I want to clear them. No-one was drunk or intoxicated in any way, they were a group of boys overly excited after a wedding taking place. My brother had a heart of gold, always making everyone smile. All he ever did was let things go, no matter who it was. He never held a grudge against anyone.

People even stated to my mum “Why did you let your son go out in the middle of the night” The way Allah planned his death would have taken place in the way it was planned, adding restrictions wouldn’t have stopped Allahs plan. He is the best of the planners. My parents have never stopped us from anything, they’re the most understanding parents ever. They have always given us the freedom to follow what we believe is right.

During the time between his death and the funeral, I tried to find peace through many different ways. What used to be worse was when women would hold my hands and say “Look, her henna hasn’t even faded and her brother has gone” I started to try to scrub the henna off my hands constantly to stop women from saying that about me.

I have never met so many different types of people in my entire life. Where on one side, there were people who were constantly blessing me with prayers and strength and where on the other side, there were girls making it into a competition of having the attention of who Munib was in love with or where women were gossiping about personal matters and switching straight to screaming about how awful the situation was that we were all going through, the moment they saw us. My brother wasn’t with any girl at the time nor was he in love with any girl.

My sister has also moved to Canada now, which leaves me with my parents. I am still trying to find peace within my heart with everything that has happened. I’m living in his cologne, trying to pass my driving quickly so that I can drive his beloved snow-white in which he spent most of his time. I have never realised so badly that anything can happen at any point and you won’t know it. I didn’t know how it was to be an only child till this happened and now I feel like I’m playing the role of a son and a daughter in my house. I am very very proud of my brother, for the impact he has left and especially for giving me the opportunity to be able to be my parents biggest support. Not a lot of men can say that they are 21 and running a whole business for their family as my brother was. Well, I guess now that’ll be me following what he was doing for everyone.

He was the biggest blessing Allah ever gave me. He never used to put pictures up with me because he used to say “Madiha, you’re too pretty. I can’t have guys asking me about you” He protected me in his own way by being a bestfriend more than a brother, by letting me do what I wanted but then by also being there in every problem I had. No matter who it was with. All of my friends would know the relationship we all had.

I miss you in every step I take. I miss you when I can’t sleep at night because now you’re not there to wake me up after your long drives when you can’t sleep. I miss you not running errands for me. I miss you when I walk into your room and see the bed you haven’t slept in for so many weeks. I miss annoying you. I miss you annoying me. I miss you in every breath I take but I’m really strong Alhumdulillah. I strongly believe that Allah always gives you the strength to deal with what he puts you through. He never gives you more than what you can’t handle.

There are a lot of things that he wanted to do and my main goal is to make sure its all done. To make sure, no one forgets such a beautiful man and mainly, to pray that he is at peace in the world after this temporary one.

I just want to thank each and every one of you who have made it to this post so far, for each and every one of you that have prayed for him, for each and every one of you who are supporting me, for each and every one of you for taking time out to send me messages building my strength. It means a lot to me. Please remember my beautiful brother, Munib in your prayers and hearts.

My Munib, forever and always. I strongly pray to Allah that he keeps my heart at peace which he has taken away from me. Lived 21 years old – 28th June 1994 till 28th April 2016. Your Madzilla loves you, forever and always.

© MADIHA KARIM. All rights reserved.